I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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