im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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