cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
