Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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