is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
