Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
