oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
