just survived the first fart of the relationship.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
