Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
