i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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