I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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