Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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