there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
