i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
