gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
