i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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