even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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