It was confusing and full of hummus
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
