Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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