I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
