I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
