Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
