I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Randomize
