People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
