you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
