Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Randomize
