Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
