I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
