god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
