pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
