I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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