i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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