The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize