I think I won the penis lottery.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize