just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
