Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
