I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
