Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
