I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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