I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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