Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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