hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
