I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
