Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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