I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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