Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
