dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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