I got chris browned last night
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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