And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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