im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I intend to get homeless drunk
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
