That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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