I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
