I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
