She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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