Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
