my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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