never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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