Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
