you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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