that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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