It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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