I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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