Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
