The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
