Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
