If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
