Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ladies don't puke and tell
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
