oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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