If i come over, it means nothing
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
